How shit happens

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First race of the year and as SOON as I’m done, I’m thinking about what I need to buy.

IMG_1137(Actually, after I shattered half the screen on my Garmin in a straight-line fail on a loose downhill, I was thinking about buying shit before the end of the first lap.)

I’m cheap.  I have a scumbag gene. For example, right now Verizon is selling S5s 2 for 1 if you re-up for two years.  All I hear is “keep your phones and sell the upgrades!  Pocket the difference!  That’s a tubular wheelset RIGHT THERE!”  Shit, it’s something like $600!  Seems easy, right?  Prolly is, but …

heymansmellmyfingerThis is the kind of nickel and dime thinking that eats up time like a purple PacMan.  Looking in every seat cushion for the loose change leads to the occasional quarter, but mostly stink-hand.  And not the Hey Man Smell My Finger kind.




So, I just got my ass beat at a bike race, I wanna do what every committed TT’er does – buy some speed.  Instead of getting aero, for talentless mtb’ers that means going full-bounce.  My proletariat hard-tail is boss, no shit, but it’s serious soviet machinery.  Weighs as much as Stalin’s balls and is about as good in a corner.

CCVR_Driving_Campaign_StalinNow,a reg’lar joe or josephine would inhale deeply, hitch up their tights, do the Archie Bell, Tighten Up and roll to the LBS.  Get fitted and get tight.  And they’d be faster.  For real. Sure they paid full deck for it, but they’re getting their money’s worth.  And they’ll ride the shit out of that bike, knowing that it fits right, and is backed by real people in a building that can be taken out by a drone.  (Just saying.)

But what would a cheap bastard do?  Ebay.  And not JUST Ebay, but…
I found a Giant Anthem frame that would TOTALLY fit the bill.  Wheelbase – perfect. Geometry – awesome.  The bees knees.  (except for the massive ding on the rear triangle.) I’m sorry what?  (cough-massive ding on the rear triangle-cough.)
Oh, holy hell.  Really?  $1600 new, but for somewhere in the neighborhood of $400 you can have one that MIGHT be structurally compromised?  What a bargain.  Only here bargain means something a total dumbshit would do.

In my defense, this is a very expensive sport.  To start with, I’m riding three different bikes.  Road.  Cross.  Mtb.  I’ve already straddled the line by re-fitting a cross bike for road riding.  It’s a stretch, but I haven’t been responsible for too much silliness thus far.  Sure I’m slow, but that’d be the case if I was on a Dogma 6.2 painted with Peter Sagan’s afterbirth.  But broke shit is broke shit.  And unsafe shit is just that.

Someone else bought it.  (BUT I’m on the one who bid it up into the $300s.)

AND THEN The Tower okayed an actual purchase.  Real money.  Which froze me solid. Real money makes this serious.  And I’m still a dilettante.  I’m getting there, but if I’m gonna put real duckets on the counter, I wanna know what the fuck I’m talking about.  And I don’t, yet.  Throwing money at the problem just makes me a Koch.   (Throwing pennies at the problem makes me dangerous.)

SO next race (H2H #1), I’ll be holding onto the hard-tail like Margaret Hamilton, learning learning learning.  Get in front of me.  I WILL bobble the logover.



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